I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
