Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
