they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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