yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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