The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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