Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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