my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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