I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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