remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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