Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Blood and glitter go together right?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
