Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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