false alarm. still invincible.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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