hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
