Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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