i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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