I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
