This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
