I faked an abortion last night.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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