Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
