And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
