can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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