I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
