DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
