Don't make out with my wife yet
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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