so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Randomize
