i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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