I should be sponsored by Trojan
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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