He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
