My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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