I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
