its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
