I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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