I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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