I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
