apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
