Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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