I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Two words: blizzard sex
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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