after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
