I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
