I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
