I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
