I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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