True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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