I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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