i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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