If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
