Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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