Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
