just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
