home. puking in laundry basket.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
