apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
