OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
